Have you ever felt good after an ugly argument? Neither have I.
Even in the rarest of occasions when I could “agree to disagree” with someone sitting at the opposite end of a particular viewpoint, I still felt irritated. Unsettled. Nothing felt resolved…
And it makes sense because arguments are never based on interest, curiosity, or any sense of mutual benefit.
Arguments are based on duality. Right versus wrong.
Of course, we (always) are right, and they (always) are wrong. Thus goes the argument.
As a teenager, most of my conversations with my parents quickly turned into ugly arguments. Some heated, some not. But I never felt “heard.” And there was always a sense of frustration.
The general rule of thumb was “parents = right, children = wrong.” End of story.
Fast forward a few decades, the tables turned, and I suddenly found myself as a parent to a teenager…
The sum of our conditions and experiences in life breeds a set of specific values and beliefs.
Though our population numbers upwards of 8 billion, we are all unique. No one person is the same as another. Fact.
Yes, that means our viewpoints are unique too.
While we may share certain values and/or beliefs with others who have had similar educations, fundamentally, we are all different.
My siblings and I grew up under the same conditions, taught the same beliefs and values by our parents.
Yet as adults, our perspectives on life couldn’t be more different.
And after a few drinks, any particular topic can lead to intense, lengthy debates.
But here’s the thing.
My viewpoint works for me. In my reality.
That makes sense. Big deal.
The tension suddenly eases when we can extend this courtesy to others.
My opinion is right (for me). And yours (for you) is right!
I don’t need you to admit you’re wrong for me to feel acknowledged. I just need to be satisfied with my own personal viewpoint.
And hey, I feel good.
I’ll listen with curiosity to your perspective.
So, let’s recap:
Check your mood.
Check theirs.
Then simply acknowledge their viewpoint and listen with curiosity.
That’s it.
That’s how you avoid arguments.
It’s simple, really.
